Please welcome list
member Peter DiChellis with a fun guest post today…..
Day
Job Blues by
Peter DiChellis
I
always enjoy writers’ bios that list unusual “day jobs” they’ve worked. You
know the bios I mean: The author has
worked as a ranch hand, an award-winning microbiologist, a carnival barker, and
a network television executive.
I
recently decided to find a new “day job” that would allow me to conduct research
for my crime fiction and make some quick money too. I settled on robbing liquor
stores, which seemed like a perfect choice, but after learning more about the work
requirements I doubt I’ll stick with it long enough to justify a bio entry. Here’s
a list of the problems I discovered so far:
1.
It’s
mostly night work. What kind of “day job” is that?
2.
No
union.
3.
No
health plan.
4.
Sometimes
you have to travel to rough neighborhoods.
5.
If
you always steal a bottle of whiskey along with the money, soon enough you’ll develop
a drinking problem.
6.
You
get a lot of one-dollar bills and they’re wrinkled and clammy and smell like
wino puke.
7.
Some
of the clerks don’t speak English very well. So you need to learn to say “Hands
up!” and “Gimme the money!” in four different languages.
8.
No
pension.
9.
No
paid vacation.
10. Sometimes the clerks scream in
your face and shoot at you. With real guns.
11. Everybody who buys liquor with a
credit card or debit card cuts into your paycheck.
12. If you get caught, you’re out of
work for a three-to-five year stretch, minimum.
Bottom
line: I might ditch the whole idea of robbing liquor stores and rob graves at cemeteries
instead. From what I’ve heard that’s not a perfect job either, but at least cemeteries
are peaceful.
(This
post filches a few spoofs from my 2016 guest post “Character
Rebellion,” archived at MotiveMeansOpportunity.)
Peter
DiChellis concocts sinister and sometimes comedic tales for anthologies,
ezines, and magazines. He’s worked as a fast talker, a desk sitter, a hallway
humper, and a puzzle buster. His mystery story “Ten-Spot Robber” appears in the
anthology Hardboiled.
The story’s title refers to an oddball stick-up man who steals nothing but
ten-dollar bills. For more, visit Peter’s Amazon author page or his
blog about short mystery and crime fiction, A short walk down a dark
street.
