Please welcome list member Peter DiChellis with a fun guest post today…..
Day Job Blues by Peter DiChellis
I always enjoy writers’ bios that list unusual “day jobs” they’ve worked. You know the bios I mean: The author has worked as a ranch hand, an award-winning microbiologist, a carnival barker, and a network television executive.
I recently decided to find a new “day job” that would allow me to conduct research for my crime fiction and make some quick money too. I settled on robbing liquor stores, which seemed like a perfect choice, but after learning more about the work requirements I doubt I’ll stick with it long enough to justify a bio entry. Here’s a list of the problems I discovered so far:
1. It’s mostly night work. What kind of “day job” is that?
2. No union.
3. No health plan.
4. Sometimes you have to travel to rough neighborhoods.
5. If you always steal a bottle of whiskey along with the money, soon enough you’ll develop a drinking problem.
6. You get a lot of one-dollar bills and they’re wrinkled and clammy and smell like wino puke.
7. Some of the clerks don’t speak English very well. So you need to learn to say “Hands up!” and “Gimme the money!” in four different languages.
8. No pension.
9. No paid vacation.
10. Sometimes the clerks scream in your face and shoot at you. With real guns.
11. Everybody who buys liquor with a credit card or debit card cuts into your paycheck.
12. If you get caught, you’re out of work for a three-to-five year stretch, minimum.
Bottom line: I might ditch the whole idea of robbing liquor stores and rob graves at cemeteries instead. From what I’ve heard that’s not a perfect job either, but at least cemeteries are peaceful.
(This post filches a few spoofs from my 2016 guest post “Character Rebellion,” archived at MotiveMeansOpportunity.)
Peter DiChellis concocts sinister and sometimes comedic tales for anthologies, ezines, and magazines. He’s worked as a fast talker, a desk sitter, a hallway humper, and a puzzle buster. His mystery story “Ten-Spot Robber” appears in the anthology Hardboiled. The story’s title refers to an oddball stick-up man who steals nothing but ten-dollar bills. For more, visit Peter’s Amazon author page or his blog about short mystery and crime fiction, A short walk down a dark street.